The Bible, as Interpreted by Me!

Alright, when last I left you on the exciting tale of the Bible. God just finished playing with his uber lego and making the universe. Human prototypes have just been made. And thus far we’ve learnt that God is fucking crazy with mood swings that scare the shit outta me. Lets continue shall we?

Ok, so we all know the lovely little story of the garden of Eden. Fancy little affair in an upscale neighborhood with nice little features like eternal life and a tree that can damn you and your descendants for all of eternity. (Best lawn ornament ever!!!).

There’s a snake, someone eats a fruit, someone is a pansy ass follower and ‘also’ eats the fruit (way to think for yourself men…). Then Adam becomes a mutha fuckin zombie. Yah, you heard me. Adam dies (GE 2:17), but exists on earth for another 930 years! (GE 5:5). Maybe the fruit from that tree had the original T-virus in it? Awesome!

God gets all angry at the fruit being eaten.. even though of course he is all knowing (PR 15:3, JE 16:17, 23:24-25, HE 4:13) and thus knew it was going to happen. Thats like getting a new born puppy, then beating it too death cause it invariably pees on the floor. Real nice God… real nice. He goes on for abit about how its ‘wrong’ to be able to tell Good from Bad. (GE 2:15-17, 3:4-6)… but is all upset when we do something bad because we don’t know how to tell the difference. (MY HEAD!).

Time passes, shit happens and then Cain and Able (the dastardly duo) appear. Offerings are demanded (greedy bastard), and God prefers Abel’s offering (GE 4:4-5) and gives the cold shoulder to Cain… Good thing “God shows no partiality. He treats all alike” (2CH 19:7, AC 10:34, RO 2:11).

Blah blah blah, some boring bits. Hey lets fast forward to the next good bit. The flood! Here is an interesting little paradox of reality. There were Nephilim (giants) before the flood (GE 6:4).. then ALL creatures except Noah and his people were annihilated by the Flood. (GE 7:21). But the Nephilim existed after the flood (NU 13:33). Does that mean… Noah and his people were giants? Did we descend from Giants? Are we over sized, and midgets are ‘normal’? Since normal would be true image of God? Does that mean.. HOLY CRAP.. GOD IS A MIDGET! 

But wait.. Noah descended from Adam and Eve (a few generations in between them). So Noah would be in the true image of God… and if Noah was a Giant… then God is a Giant.. Which means we’re technically the midgets when compared to the true image of God. In fact we’re mutated bastard children that are nothing like the true image of god. Tiny little runts. (Except for that guy in Taiwan, and that other one in Russia… phew, have you seen the size of the clothing they must wear?)

So about this Noah character, he’s told that Two of Each kind are to be taken (and are taken) aboard the Ark (GE 6:19-22, 7:8-9, 7:14-16)… except of course for a few creatures that actually have seven pairs taken (GE 7:2-5)… Favoritism much?

Anywho, Noah and his clan (of giants) enter the Ark for the last time (GE 7:7)… then a little while later they enter it for the last time.. again (GE 7:13)… wtf? Then God (that emo self-hating bastard), Sows Discord (GE 11:7-9). I call him self hating because God hates ANYBODY that sows discord (PR 6:16-19).

Floods happen, midgets die. Rainy season ends and people restart their lives. Stay tuned for next time when I prove that something must have existed before God! The fabled Author of Confusion!

So might as well start at the Beginning. The best place to begin I would assume!

So here we have it, a big ole bunch of nothing. God is there, floating around and thinks. Well lets have some fun and make a universe. However even though I’m all powerful and all knowing.. lets take a few days to make it. Maybe even give myself a little vacation afterwards. Why? Because I love me.

So on the first day God created Light (GE 1:3-5). Or at least the ability of light. Lovely little friggen photons. Except of course he can’t decide whether they should be little balls of fun, or squiggly waves of energy.

Keep in mind though that this does not mean that the place was all lit up and beautiful, because in his wisdom he made light but nothing to emit it. No sun. No sir, that wasn’t created for days yet (GE 1:14-19)! Thats like buying a lamp so you can see at night, but not plugging the damn thing in and just leaving it laying around. Right away we can see God is a little new at this. but i’m sure his next universe will be a bit better.

Then he goes on and starts making all sorts of things. Of course once again in His infinite inability to decide, he made them in a rather paradoxical order. Trees were created before humans (GE 1:11-112, 26-27)… or were they (GE 2:4-9)? Same thing with Humans and Animals, or Humans and Birds (because apparently birds are not animals). Hell, i’m pretty sure he had to make a couple tries at making humans, cause at one point he made both genders at once (GE 1:26-7), then said fuck it and just started with one model which he expanded upon sometime later (GE 2:7, 21-22).

Its at this point that God starts the infinite joke of rules and regulations. Of course since He had yet to make any ‘Unions’ to organize the work place, and probably hadn’t even invented friggen writing yet, God apparently kept ‘forgetting’ his rules. Lets look at sex. “God encourages reproduction” (GE 1:28), yet “God requires purification rites following childbirth”, which in effect means childbirth is a sin. (LE 12:1-8)… so what? God encourages Sin? Hey, cool by me! I’m already there!

So the damn thing was finally pretty much finished. Might have to do a few upgrades later. Maybe switch out some software. But all in all things went pretty well. He’s more than a little pleased with himself (GE 1:31)… or wait.. nope.. something went wrong and he’s actually all pissed off with his creation (GE 6:5-6). Which is funny in itself, because if he’s the owner of all the omniscience one can get, then wouldn’t he know how things would turn out? So if he dislikes it, why the fuck did he make it? Back and forth, back and forth. He goes through more mood swings than a pregnant woman on acid.

Stay tuned for next time we’ll talk about a creation that rebels against his master… and no, we don’t mean the Matrix.

This is a new blog started by me to let me retell the bible. I am an atheist, but I have also extensively studied various religions and their scriptures.

This is a project I started once in the past, but have decided to tinker with again and to do so here on the Tumblr machine.